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What's stopping you from thinking about the end?

rlp121

I like to joke that when I tell people I'm an end of life doula, their response is "That's so cool!"...right before they take a big step back from me, as if just being in my presence will somehow make the end come sooner.


I get it. Living in a world where we're bombarded with messages that tell us that we are our thoughts and that we can manifest anything we put our minds towards, why would you choose to think about dying and leaving behind everyone and everything you know and love? Not only is it depressing, but it's scary.


But I'll tell you what's even scarier - when a crisis hits and suddenly you're forced to make a multitude of decisions in a very short time frame and your options are more in the realm of bad to worst rather than anything you'd willingly choose if circumstances were different. Add to that heightened emotions and family dynamics that quickly become reactivated no matter what age you are and how many years you've spent in therapy and you're talking about a lot of heartache and stress.


When people tell me they're afraid to think about death and to do the work to prepare for it, I ask them to take time to answer the following questions:


  1. What are the benefits of not thinking about and preparing for the end?

  2. What are the costs?

  3. What three small actions are you willing to take to today to try and address that fear?

  4. What are the things that you lie in bed awake at 3am thinking about?

  5. How would you feel if you were told you had 3 months to live and those things had not yet been addressed


Sometimes when I'm called in to work with families, there are so many fires burning that there's no way we're going to put them all out. In those situations, I hear a lot of "always"and "never"from people - "She always does this...he never does that." There's a saying in the 12-step community "If you're hysterical, it must be historical"and I see that a lot - the fights often become not about what's happening at that moment, but the resentment that's been festering for the last 30 years.


We live our lives thinking we've got time. Time to take that vacation; time to fill out that advance directive; time to meet with a estate planner and designate a guardian for your kids; time to process the guilts and resentments you have with loved ones so you can be in a place of peace. But what if, one day, we find out that that time is about to be cut short and not only is there a long list of decisions that have to be made, but we also have process our feelings about our impending death as well as hold space for our loved ones as they process theirs?


As I talked about in my TEDx talk, you don't have to wait until a crisis hits to start thinking about the end. In fact, acknowledging and accepting that at some point you will die will actually help you be more present for the years you do have left.


Last year I began offering an 8-session package called BodyMindSoul, where I guide you as you work towards clarity on your wishes and come up with a written plan that can help you choreograph a life and death on your terms. We cover everything from the practical (advance directives, what you'd like done with your body after you're gone, who's going to take care of your fur babies) to the emotional (grief work, processing resentments/guilt) to the creative (legacy projects, funeral plans). Doing this work is not just for you—it’s a huge gift for your loved ones as it doesn't leave these decisions on their shoulders. I once worked with a family whose mother was dying. When I asked what the plan was for when she was gone - burial or cremation - one child said "Burial"and the other one said "Cremation." Turned out Mom had never made her desires clear, and was in an unresponsive state. Spoiler alert: you don't get a do-over on that particular decision.


By making your wishes clear, and presenting them to your loved ones at a time and in a manner that's not saddled with pressure allows everyone to process them in calm manner. as it will ultimately allow them to be present with you in your last months and days and come to their own feelings of completion. One-hour sessions are held in person or on Zoom and prompts will be given to you to work on in between visits so that our time together is maximized. I will also hold space for you as you do any necessary grief work on current and past relationships/situations that might be holding you back from living fully, giving you a sense of freedom as you move forward.


We may be powerless over the fact that at some point we're going to die, but we can be intentional about how we prepare for that.

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