In my TEDx Talk last year, I talked about how studies have shown that when people think about death, their biggest fear isn't whether it's going to hurt, or what comes afterwards, but the fear of being forgotten. That fact is what prompted me to name my end of life doula and legacy memoirist company You Were Here in order to help people do that as they prepare for their ultimate end of life. One of the most heartfelt and valuable gifts you can leave for your family is an ethical will. Unlike a traditional will that divides possessions, an ethical will is a document that expresses your values, beliefs, life lessons, and hopes for future generations.
Writing an ethical will provides an opportunity to reflect on the legacy you want to leave behind. It captures the essence of who you are in a way that material items alone cannot convey. Here are just a few ways this act of love can bring comfort and guidance to your family for years to come:
1. A Heartfelt Gift of Love and Guidance
An ethical will is often described as a letter from your heart. Through it, you can share the beliefs and values that have shaped your life. You might include insights on resilience, forgiveness, love, or the importance of kindness. When your family members read it, they’ll be able to feel your presence and hear your voice, especially during moments when they may need reassurance or wisdom. This lasting reminder of your values can help guide your loved ones through life’s challenges and choices, giving them a tangible connection to your life lessons.
2. A Way to Share Life Lessons and Wisdom
Over the years, you’ve likely gathered countless experiences, some of which have changed you profoundly. An ethical will allows you to pass along these personal stories and the lessons they taught you. Whether it’s the value of hard work, the importance of empathy, or the resilience you discovered during difficult times, these stories become a legacy of shared knowledge. For children and grandchildren, having this understanding of your life’s journey can be an invaluable guide and source of pride.
3. Bringing Peace to You and Your Family
As you prepare to say goodbye, writing an ethical will can be a comforting practice for both you and your family. Reflecting on your life and what truly matters can be a therapeutic process, offering you a sense of peace and fulfillment. For your family, reading your ethical will can bring comfort and help ease their grief by keeping your spirit alive in their daily lives. Knowing that you took the time to share this part of yourself can provide a sense of closure and continued connection.
4. Reinforcing Family Values and Strengthening Bonds
An ethical will is also a beautiful way to reinforce family values. By articulating what is most important to you, you create a legacy of shared principles that can help unite and inspire future generations. For many families, this document becomes a cherished heirloom, guiding them toward a shared sense of purpose and identity. As they come together to read and reflect on your words, it can foster deeper bonds and a sense of continuity across generations.
5. A Meaningful Alternative to Material Inheritance
While the distribution of material assets is important, it doesn’t provide the same sense of personal connection as an ethical will. Physical possessions may offer financial support, but your words can serve as an emotional anchor. Through this document, you have the chance to leave a different type of inheritance—a wealth of wisdom and love that no monetary value can replace.
Creating an ethical will doesn’t require any special expertise—just honesty and sincerity. Begin by reflecting on your values, important life events, or memorable people who shaped you. Consider the advice you would like to leave behind and the hopes you have for your family’s future. If you’re unsure where to start, you can write letters to each loved one or answer questions like, What do I want my family to remember about me? or What lessons or stories would I like to share with them?
You don't have to wait until you're dying to do this. In fact, writing it while you're young and healthy and have decades of life in front of you can be incredibly therapeutic. Articulating your core values on the page provides you with a filter to live the rest of your days. Having written mine a few years ago, I will go in and revise it when something comes to mind.
Because I'm a writer by trade, doing mine wasn't hard, but I know that's not the case for many which is why I offer the service of helping people write theirs. As we sit down together, I have a series of questions I ask over 2 hour-long sessions that I record. I then transcribe them before putting together a draft of the letter. You're then able to edit it however you'd like.
In the end, your ethical will is a powerful way to say, I was here, and I love you. As an end-of-life doula, I encourage you to consider this beautiful act of love as part of your legacy planning. Your family will thank you, now and for generations to come.
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